He and Me

I've been contemplating writing this post for awhile. Contemplating because it is a more private topic. Also contemplating because I still wouldn't consider our story to be classified as "infertility". There are so many other couples out there that waited and are still waiting for their little ones for so much longer. I would consider ourselves very lucky that we were able to get pregnant when we did. Since I got pregnant I have been asked a lot of the usual questions....

"Were you guys trying?"

"How long did you try?"

"What finally worked for you guys?"

The whole slur of questions you get when your tummy all of sudden decides to pop out of your body like another dimension.

After telling girls our story, I have found that yes the "issues" I was having weren't super common, but there are actually girls out there that have started questioning whether they have the same thing. So I'm writing this ONE so that I can remember it... TWO so that others may be aware... and THREE to celebrate what we would consider our miracle.

Carson and I were definitely trigger shy when it came to starting a family. We would set a time we would consider talking "more" about starting our family... that time would come and go and we both just didn't feel right. We were both in school and just focused on school. I always said, "I would DIE if I got pregnant in nursing school!" which I probably would of which is why I give MAJOR props to my fellow nurses who did school with families.

When we both finally sat down and decided this is what we wanted and the timing felt PERFECTLY RIGHT after avoiding an October baby because there are just too many birthdays in our family to add one more, avoiding a November baby because well you just can't have Thanksgiving and a baby, and FINALLY avoiding December because this kid will have way too many presents and we can't afford that all in one month for 18 years (hi, long run on sentence you get the idea though we were picky and thought we had it all planned out).

So planning to start trying beginning of Spring 2017 in February of 2017 I made the call to my OB's office for an IUD removal. Ya I called that early because I still needed to sit on the idea (for months apparently) that this was really what we wanted right now.

Nothing makes a good phone conversation like "Hi I would like to become fertile again can you take this stick thing out of me that I have trusted so dearly for 3 years now."

So in April 2017 I walked into my OB's office with my stick filled uterus and made it hollow again.

With a sweaty palm hand shake I walked out of the office thinking this is never going to work. I have never had a regular period in my life so this whole this was gonna be a crap shoot. Which is also another reason why I had been reluctant to have it removed. Facing the unknown and probably having to find out answers I have had my whole life along the way seemed so scary.

So we tried with hopeful hearts. Then realized really quickly it really was a total crap shoot. So I got online and bought box after box after box... month after month after month of ovulation predictor tests. The industrial sized boxes from amazon of pee sticks. The mother load. Some months I would get a blaring positive ovulation. Other months I would question wtf is that even trying to say. And other months I would have to face the fact that I didn't even get a near positive AT ALL. I kept saying this is the month! This is the PERFECT TIME to get pregnant.

The month me and the T (IUD) parted ways I started working on Maternity at IMC. So obviously all the estrogen around that place was just going to magically give all the fertile vibes right? If I massaged your fertile uterus that just gave birth, it may bless my vacant uterus right? In all honesty it was hard to watch as the cutest couples became parents, and even more hard when my selfish self had to watch some people who I judgmentally thought didn't deserve to be parents. As hard as it was, it was so fun to be around newborns no matter their situations. I held onto a lot of faith and prayers that our little gas filled bundle of joy would decide to join us soon.

Working on maternity with your OB has its perks. After about 7 months of crap shoot "trying". I asked him one morning when he was doing rounds how long I should play the game until I should be questioning really hard. I had already had my LH/FSH, and thyroid blood levels drawn earlier and found that they were normal. So he ordered a prolactin level just to rule out one more thing and told me to call in so that we could get a period started for me since it had been a hot minute, and start clomid. CLOMID. Carson and I were terrified of CLOMID. I had just taken care of a girl who had TRIPLETS from 1 round of clomid. I can't do that... that will happen to me!

With no other word but CLOOOOMID on our mind I got my prolactin level drawn.

Prolactin critically high.

WTF. I'm not milking (after googling symptoms of high prolactin)

maybe it was because I had my blood drawn right after a night shift and I was stressed. Ya that was it. I'm sure I'll just have a redraw and it will be fine.

A day later I got a call at home from my OB letting me know my prolactin was high. I let him know I didn't have any of the other symptoms except irregular periods. He said well I think we should do a brain MRI.

In my mind I was like wait my hollow uterus is the problem not my brain. He went onto say that essentially prolactin is the hormone in breastfeeding women that stops them from ovulating. So women who are breastfeeding sometimes rely on that as their form of birth control (DO NOT DO THAT BTW.) So basically my body was on its own form of birth control. Goody.

I didn't have any other risk factors for why my prolactin was high, but there is a chance there could be a benign adenoma (or tumor) on my pituitary gland that is secreting prolactin. So lets do the MRI and if you have one, and it's less than 1 cm we will treat with a medication called Bromocriptine. If there is one and it is bigger than 1cm then we have to refer you to endocrinology. If you don't have the adenoma then we will still start Bromocriptine. Bromocriptine will help drive down your prolactin level and shrink the mass. So we scheduled the MRI and I had that done about a month later. Going in for the MRI the technician asked... so why are we here today. My answer. Cause I want to get pregnant and my brain won't let me.

MRI results: 3.5mm x 2.5mm x 4.5mm well defined lesion on pituitary gland.

I have a brain tumor?? Me frantically calculating mm to cm in the middle of a night shift. It's less than 1 cm so I'm good right? I called Carson at 2am and told him I had looked up my MRI and I did in fact have a prolactinoma. The good news is its less than 1 cm so we can still start the medication. How is that for a phone call at 2am, "Hi honey I have a mass in my brain and that's why we aren't having kids yet, ok go to sleep, bye!"

I got a call the next morning from my OB and he confirmed what I already knew (nurses make the worst patients) and ordered Bromocriptine. He reassured me that this medication is usually pretty effective and would drive my prolactin levels down pretty quickly = fertile again.

BROMOCRIPTINE SUCKS.

I was so nauseous all the time I felt like I had morning sickness already. I was so tired, my mouth was drier than the Sahara Dessert, and my nose was stuffy ALL THE TIME. I had my blood drawn a month later and my levels seemed to come down a little bit so it seemed promising. We decided to increase my dose to 1 1/2. yay... more bromocriptine.

I suffered through another month because we were all so hopeful it would work this month! More months passed.. more blood work and more blood work. More Bromocriptine and more Bromocriptine. After about 5 months I was on a pretty high dose of Bromocriptine.

My levels still weren't in normal range. I was sicker than a dog but tried my best to keep a positive attitude through it all because we were getting so close to having our baby. But so defeated when my levels weren't coming down into normal range. I did have my first 28 day cycle I have ever had in my life though! I could have cried I was so happy!

I finally hit a point where I felt completely hopeless in all honestly though... I decided all this stress over the almost year was enough. I was sick of peeing on sticks and seeing negatives. I was sick of peeing of ovulation sticks and not even seeing a positive on those... I was sick of taking medication that was making me sick. So I didn't. I still took the medicine, but stopped tracking all together.

In February 2018 I was at work and I got a random call from my OB's cute nurse who I adore and she said HEY! Are you working?? I was like yes.... (their office/lab is on the 4th floor of the hospital. I was on the 2nd floor). She said why don't you come up and get your blood drawn again so we can see what it is. I was a little confused because I wasn't suppose to have it drawn for another week or two. In between helping patients I ran upstairs in the hospital and had by blood drawn. I checked my results... and saw that they had GONE UP since the last drawn. How is that even possible?? I am on a high amount of medication and my cycles SEEM more regular than ever! I wanted to start crying then and there in the middle of work.

My mom works in my OB's office for another doctor and she happen to be working that day... I sent her a quick text to have her tell the nurse/Doc that my levels went up?

I got a call a little later from my nurse who said unfortunately they were going to have to refer me out to Endocrinology, and they would have to help me take the next steps to get my prolactin normal.

I was devastated. I was frustrated with myself that I was on stupid high amounts of medication and it still wasn't working. I was frustrated that waiting for a referral/appointment with a specialist was going to seem like forever. And I was terrified that nothing would work.

In the meantime we agreed that while I waited for all that, that I could do some clomid just to see if anything would happen. I decided at this point we seemed almost desperate and triplets didn't sound half bad at this point so I agreed and was told to call in when I started my next cycle.

I knew I was getting close to starting my cycle so I was watching for signs of that (girls you know when you know am I right?). My usual symptoms were there... but there were also some other symptoms that I was confused by. The main one being I had the grossest metallic taste in my mouth that I could NOT get rid of. Obviously when you are actively trying for a baby you always think... Could I be pregnant? I can't tell you how many times I had this thought over the past year.

On February 12th, the day came that I would expect my unpredictable period. I grabbed one of the pregnancy tests I had stashed in my pregnancy test collection, because I just wanted to know if I was pregnant or if I would probably be calling the OB office later that day with the unpredictable start of the flow for my clomid baby booster.

Just because I knew it was negative I took the test and set it aside. Only to come back to it and seeing the faintest little line. THE HECK?!.... I took another. It was positive. I took another. It was positive. I took ANOTHER it was positive.... I'm pregnant? nah.

The flow didn't start and the next day I had school up in Ogden. On my way home I saw a store and thought... ok if I get one of those digitally gizmo pregnancy tests that says pregnant then I will really be pregnant. I sped home and within seconds the word "Pregnant" popped up. Holy swear words... And because I still didn't believe it I took another gizmo one, and that one said "pregnant" too! I just sat there and stared. SHOCKED is literally the only emotion I felt. Complete and utter shock. Why was I so shocked. This is what we wanted right? This wasn't suppose to happen my prolactin levels were still high. I didn't track anything this month. SHOCKED.

Carson came home from work and I honestly felt like a zombie. I didn't want to tell him until I knew for sure this was legit. So I didn't tell him...

I was dying inside.

Valentines Day I called my OB and told them I think my ovaries are terrified of clomid cause I thought I was pregnant.... can I get a blood test? cause I still didn't believe it. They were just as shocked!

The lab closed at 5:30pm... I came RUNNING in the door at 5:25 frantically got my blood drawn and waited.

Carson and I were planning on going to dinner that night for Valentines so "just incase I was pregnant". I'm not lying when I said I was shocked and didn't believe it. I put together a little box with a onesie I had bought MONTHS ago for this occasion. I put one of the pregnancy tests in the box as well (hiding the shame of the 50 others I had taken too), with a little note. Just incase still. Just incase it was real.

We went to Dinner for Valentine's day and I sat on my phone the whole time refreshing the results page just waiting for the results to come in. Why weren't they showing up? Results never take this long!! Carson was just thinking I was the biggest brat for sitting on my phone the whole Valentine's dinner. I was freaking out because I didn't have results, and dinner was almost over. We planned to go to our lot where our house would be built after to just hang out. As we were getting up from the table it happened. The results popped up with the Hcg level. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!?!?!? Am I pregnant or not?!? frantically trying to find the "normal levels" section for the results I found that my results meant that I was about 2 weeks pregnant. right on schedule. Holy crap I'm pregnant.

The drive to our lot was maybe 15 minutes. It felt like an hour and 15 because I was so excited to tell Carson.

We got to the lot and just sat in the car because we were both freezing. We sat and talked and I told him I got him something. ... I pulled the little wrapped box out of my bag and gave it to him. I was shaking!!

He opened it and instantly started crying.

I was a sobbing mess. He was a sobbing mess.

The only thing he could say was "Are you serious?!" over and over.

I said do you want to know how real it is? I had my blood drawn done RIGHT before we went dinner because I didn't believe it. It is SO REAL.

It was the happiest moment of our lives.

I know our story isn't the most trying story there ever was. But to us it is a miracle, because I shouldn't have gotten pregnant according to the prolactin levels. There were a lot of helpful hands in the process and we are so grateful for those. We truly believe the spirit guided those to get our little guy to where we are at right now. We are so excited for this little baby boy to finally join us in October! We are convinced this kid already has major FOMO because he made us wait all the way until he would be an October baby.

We can't wait to have another October birthday buddy!

5 out of the 7 people in my family will have October birthday's if this one doesn't plan on going too much over his due date.

Carson: October 6th

Jake October 13th

Mom: October 21st

Me: October 23rd

Baby B: due October 27th

Do you ever just not want a day to end? That's how I felt when we finally went to sleep on the 4th of July. It was a wild day, and one of the best years yet!

We took a last minute camping trip with our friends from Alaska on Sunday. Yes they are all brown people. Yes they are still from Alaska. we don't ask questions. ;) We had the funnest night sitting around the fire laughing our heads off + roasting brats and s'mores for dinner + and playing the most hilarious campfire games. It is always a party when you invite the poly people!

We woke up and headed to Payson Lakes to start our 4th of July out. We paddleboarded + floated around the lake for most of the day. We even conquered Scout's fear of water.... kind of. I would float out on the tube and she would get so concerned I was leaving, and swim as fast as she could until she got to me. Talk about separation anxiety. lol

We even got her up on the paddleboard and to our suprise she just hung out and sat the whole time! Captain Scout Ahoy!

Nothing feels better than being out on the water or just hanging with friends in the sunshine!

We had a BBQ with family and played spikeball + then headed to our own "private firework show". We met our friends who bought lots of fireworks and had our own little fireworks to watch.

We had a near death experience {ok little exaggeration but close} that left us all shaken up a little bit... One of the fireworks that was set off exploded and a piece flew straight at us. We aren't talking a smoke bomb exploded. We are talking about a HUGE ariel firework. I took off running and Carson just laid on the ground and smothered Scout {I'm an awful mom already... I left everyone behind running as soon as I saw it coming for us... oops.} The firework exploded about 6 feet away from us and LUCKILY none of us were hurt. ..We escaped with our lives from the Fourth of July crisis. phew. I am so glad it wasn't any worse, but I think we scarred Scout for life from fireworks...

It was a full day of fun and family/friends and I wouldn't have had it any other way...

I hope you all had a fun 4th!